to katie: about forgiveness

Forgiveness is a big, complicated topic. There are many books, sermons, articles, lectures, and stories about forgiveness. I cannot possibly write one little letter about every way that people think about forgiveness, but I can let you know how I think of it.

Forgiveness is what we're supposed to give when people hurt us. It's also what Christians believe that God gives us when we do things that aren't right.

So, what do you do exactly when you forgive someone?

I think that forgiving someone is (1) choosing not to take revenge, and (2) wanting the best for them, while (3) taking away their ability to hurt you again in the future if possible.

It's more complicated than it sounds.

Choosing Not To Take Revenge

Let's say that someone hurts you by telling an embarrassing lie about you. Let's say that a boy in your class, named Mortimer, has started telling people that you punch your sister in the face every morning before school. I know, it's a ridiculous and crazy example, but I was trying to think of something that you would just never do, so go along with me on this one.

How should you respond?

Your first thought might be to tell an equally crazy lie about him. You may think, "well, fine, then, I'm going to tell people that he drinks from the potty like a dog," even though you have no reason to think that he does that. But if you did tell people that goofy lie, you would be doing it with the goal of hurting someone else. That would not be accidentally hurting someone - that would be hurting someone on purpose because he hurt you, which is called "taking revenge."

For Christians and Jews, taking revenge is a big no-no - in Deuteronomy 32:35, God says, "Revenge is mine; I will repay." That means that, as a matter of faith, you have to trust that God will do any punishing that is needed, and that God does not need your help to punish someone who hurt you. Personally, I am very comfortable letting God decide how much punishment is fair, because I believe that God knows the whole story, and I almost never do.

But even for people who are not Christian or Jewish, taking revenge is a dangerous thing to do. The moment you choose to take revenge, the person who hurt you will probably come back again with something else to hurt you again. Because now, in their mind, you deserve it because you hurt them! So when they strike back with their second hurt, it can easily start nasty, nasty pattern of you-hurt-me-so-I'll-hurt-you-so-you-hurt-me-so-I'll-hurt-you... and so on and so on. And after a few back and forths like that, it does not matter anymore who started it; at that point, you have both hurt each other on purpose, and everybody has a right to be mad.

Not only is it a bad idea to take revenge because it could easily start a never-ending-hurt-each-other-loop, but also it is a bad idea because people will see you being hurtful and mean on purpose, and there is a good chance they will ask themselves whether or not it is a good idea to be your friend. After all, if I see Betty willing to hurt Bobby over and over, what will happen if Betty gets mad at me? Probably she will try to hurt me. That makes me trust Betty a lot less. And, frankly, it makes me not want to be Betty's friend. The world is full of people who do not enjoy hurting each other, and I can be friends with them instead of Betty.

Wanting the Best for Someone Who Has Hurt You

Everyone wants the best for people they love, people they are not angry with. If you find out that a friend of yours did really well on a test she studied hard for, you would be happy for her and celebrate with her. Wanting the best for someone is to want them to be happy, and to want them to have the richest, fullest life they can have.

For people where prayer is an important part of their religion (most religions have prayer), a great thing to do to show that you want the best for someone is to pray for them. Pray that God will give them good things. Pray that God will give them things that will help them be better people, and will help them live the life that God wants them to live.

It's tempting to pray like this, "God, please show Mortimer that he was wrong to lie about me, and make him feel really bad about lying about me, because then he will be a better person." In a way, that's an okay starting place, because yes, if he stopped lying, he would be a better person. But it would be even better to pray something like this, "God, please give Mortimer everything good to help him have the very best life that you have in mind for him." That is leaving it up to God to determine what "the best" is.

The hard part, of course, of praying for people who have hurt you, is that it's hard to mean it. It's hard to want the best, to pray that way, and to mean it in your heart. Usually, when you're mad at someone, you want bad things to happen to them, not good things. So if you can't pray for the best for them and mean it, then you can at least pray this, "God, please help me to want the best for him, even though he hurt me."

For people who do not believe in prayer, affirmations can work the same way. "I want Mortimer to have a great life. I want Mortimer to be a good person. I want Mortimer to have good friends." Those kinds of affirmations can be a way to change your mind from being hurt to being generous and kind.

Regardless of how you get there, there is a huge benefit to wanting the best for someone after they have hurt you: if you spend time thinking about all the bad things you hope happen to someone, then you have just spent a lot of time thinking about bad things, and it makes it harder to enjoy the good things that you have. But if you spend time thinking about the good things you want for someone else, it is much easier to be grateful for the good things you have.

Our brains are funny - they tend to get stuck in patterns. So if you spend your time thinking about good things, you're more likely to find good things to think about. But if you spend your time wishing bad things on people, then you're more likely to see bad things all around you, and find more bad things to think about. You cannot always control what you think, but when you can, try to think of the good things you want for yourself, for those you love, and for those who have hurt you.

Also, the more we think about our anger and hurt, the more angry and hurt we can get. Very often, the best way to recover from anger and hurt is to think of good things. Make a list of things we are thankful for. Read a favorite book. Listen to a favorite song. As quickly as you can, take back control of your thoughts and turn them to things you love. After all, the person already hurt you, why let them take away all your good thoughts too?

I'm not saying to pretend that you're not hurt. You may need to cry, or yell into a pillow, or be sad for a while. Of course. And the bigger the hurt, the longer it will take to recover from. But as quickly as you can, bring back your good thoughts. Don't let that other person completely ruin your good day, or your good week. You go have a good time anyway, despite their best efforts to ruin it.

Sometimes, it can be hard to want good things to happen to hurtful people because sometimes we think, "If he gets good things, then there will be fewer good things left for me," but that is not true. Goodness is not like a pie. When someone gets a slice of goodness, there is not less goodness left over for everyone else. Nobody gets left out without their slice of goodness because other people took too much good.

Instead, goodness is like laughter - it can spread quickly from one person to another, so that one little giggle can spread and multiple, and create a whole room full of laughing people. That's how goodness is - contagious and quick to multiply. So don't worry about someone else getting all your good things when you want good things for other people.

Taking Away Their Ability to Hurt You Again (If Possible).

This is the hardest part to understand about forgiveness. Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting.

Let's say for example that a girl named Elizabeth trips you on purpose as you walk by her in the lunch room and then laughs at you because you spilled your food. You can forgive her, but choose not to walk by her in the lunch room again. Forgiveness does not mean that you have to put yourself in harm's way once you know that someone can be harmful.

I have several grown-up friends whose parents were not good parents to them when they were kids. Some parents hit their kids instead of explaining things to them. For those friends, they have to choose: if my parents may hit me at any moment, is it worth it for me to see them, or should I just stay away to protect myself? The important thing to remember is that you can forgive someone, but if they have hurt you very badly, you can still choose not to be around them anymore because you believe they will hurt you again.

Let's say that I have a friend Isabella whose parents hit her a lot when she was growing up, and they still believe that hitting kids is the best way to discipline them. And now Isabella has a daughter Liza, so Isabella's parents are Liza's grandparents. It is not "forgiveness" to let the grandparents take care of Liza and let them hit her - that is just endangering a child by pretending that her grandparents are magically going to change, and that is not okay. It might be ok to be around them, but if it were me, I would say, "If you ever hit Liza, you never get to see her again. It's up to you."

That is not taking revenge - that is protecting yourself, and protecting your children. They are very very different. Taking revenge is not okay because revenge is hurting someone just to hurt them. Protecting yourself, even if it hurts someone else's feelings, is perfectly okay - you have the responsibility to protect yourself first.

It is not only the right thing to do to want the best for someone else: it is also the right thing to do to want the best for yourself. Letting someone hurt you over and over is not what is best for you. Period.

A lot of people get this wrong about forgiveness. They think that once you forgive someone, you have to pretend like they never hurt you, or pretend to forget. It is just not true. You do not have to forget. You do not have to allow someone to keep hurting you. You do have to avoid taking revenge, and you do have to keep trying to replace your hurt and anger with wanting the best for that person.

Practicing Forgiveness

Most of the time, when people hurt us, it is accidental, and it is little. Someone interrupts us while we're telling a story. Someone knocks into us at the grocery store. Someone accidentally embarrasses us. These are things we can recover from in moments.

When these little things happen, we can practice forgiveness. We'll need the practice, because some day, someone will do something bigger to hurt us. It just happens. And if we've practiced forgiving on the little things, then we are better and forgiving when the big things happen.

And the better you are at forgiving, the faster you can get back to living the life you enjoy, no matter someone else does to you.

Love,
Aunt Angie