to katie: about disney princesses and story messages

Dear Katie: We've had a conversation about the Disney princess movies, and the messages you get from stories. It was a couple of years ago, and you and Claire were on the swings in the back yard, and we talked about a bunch of movies. Gramma said we talked for over an hour, and that you both looked like you were very interested in the conversation. Hopefully you will still find this conversation interesting now.

This letter has the summary at the beginning instead of the end, and here it is: People make movies to be entertaining, not to teach you how to live your life, so characters in movies often make decisions which would be horrible horrible horrible decisions to make in your life.

The Little Mermaid

Let's start with the movie that I consider the worst offender: The Little Mermaid. For starters, Ariel decides she is in love with Eric because he's beautiful. Eric decides he is in love with Ariel because he likes her voice. That's it. Neither of them know if the other is nice or mean, generous or selfish, smart or not smart, fun or boring, and yet, they think they're in love.

I do not think that is love. I think that is a crush. I think you can only really be in love with someone when you know them very well -- before that, you can be attracted to someone, you can have a crush on someone, you can be infatuated with someone, but it is not love until you know them. Honestly, for all she knows, when he gets mad, he hits people (I think hitting people when you are mad is one of the worst things a person can do - I would never ever date someone who did that, and I sincerely hope you never ever date anyone who does that).

Then Ariel decides to go be with Eric, so she runs away from home. Ariel did not have a good reason to run away from home. Her father was not beating her. In fact, nobody was putting her in any physical danger at all. In real life, if you are in danger in your home, it might be the right choice to run away if the cops and Child Protective Services cannot help you. But Ariel just did not agree with her father's rules - that is not a good reason to run away. Running away from home and not letting people know that you are safe is a selfish thing to do - the people who love you worry about you. All the time. It makes them crazy. It ruins their appetite and their ability to concentrate at work. It is a horrible thing to do to someone unless they were putting you in danger - and if they were putting you in danger, they deserve to be worried. Ariel did not make the right choice by running away from home, even if it did mean following "her true love". If it's really true love, it'll wait until she's legally allowed to move away from home when she's 18.

So then Ariel goes to the neighborhood witch and agrees to trade a part of herself (her voice) so she can change herself (to have legs) to be with him, but if he doesn't love her, she has to be a slave to the witch the rest of her life. Oh good grief, where do I even start with how wrong this is? Another way to look at this is, "she sells her soul to the devil to change herself to make him love her."

Here's the thing about selling your soul to the devil: it always ends badly. There are always unexpected consequences. Nothing comes for free with magics. Now, realistically, you probably won't know anyone who calls herself a witch, and you'll never meet the devil. But you will know people who offer you quick fixes that will seem like magic: like drugs or plastic surgery or the answers to a test you didn't study for. Those things can go badly, badly wrong.

You might think, "Oh, if only this one thing were different about me, then all my problems would go away." Or you might even think, "Oh, if only this one thing were different about me, then this person would like me." Those are crazy, dangerous thoughts. First of all, you're amazing and miraculous and wonderful just the way you are, and anyone who doesn't recognize that has jello for brains. But I'm your aunt, of course I think that. If you want a more rational reason: if somebody doesn't like for who you are now, and then you change yourself to be with that person, then eventually, you will realize that person doesn't love you for who you are. You deserve better that that. You should really just hang out with people who like you and love you for who you are, it's much easier.

And lastly, Ariel is built like a cartoon - she has a body shape that no person can actually have: an unnaturally teeny tiny waist with unnaturally big boobs. It is possible to have her perfect hair and perfect teeth and beautiful eyes, sure, but her body is crazy. If a real person were shaped like that, she would look very ill. The truth is that no matter what size and shape you are, you are exactly the kind of girl that someone likes - a lot. Everybody is attracted to slightly different kinds of people, and there are people out there who are attracted to you exactly as you are.

So what did I like about The Little Mermaid? I like that Ariel had good friends who stuck by her when things got rough for her and made sure she wasn't putting herself in too much danger. Other than that, it's just a movie full of bad choices!

Beauty and The Beast

Now Belle and the Beast had something good: they got to know each other before they fell in love. They hung out, they talked, and they both liked to read. They could make each other laugh, and they both liked to dance. All that is great.

What is not so great is the message that "true love can change someone." Here's the problem I have: the Beast got violent when he was angry. He yelled and tore stuff up. That is not okay. When you are mad, you are still responsible for what you say and what you do. People who break things when they are angry are not emotionally healthy people.

Now, I'm not talking about punching a pillow, or throwing a ball into a net, or going to practice martial arts - those are controlled activities which you can do to get some of your mad out of you. I'm talking about people who break things, yell, or say very mean and hurtful things when they are angry. People who get angry a lot and do those things when they are angry have to work very very hard to change those bad habits, usually they have to work with a psychologist or go to anger management therapy. They will not suddenly change those bad behaviors "because they love you." Now someone may clean up their act for a little while to try to impress you, but if they keep coming back to bad behavior when they are angry, they need to get help to change, and it needs to be professional help, and not just you. People have to change bad behaviors for themselves, because they want to be a better person for them, not just to impress you.

It would be great if "being in love" were enough to fix all our problems, but it is not. People still have to work hard to change their bad habits, even if they are really in love.

Cinderella

Ah, the classics. Cinderella and her Prince Charming are shining examples of The Exact Opposite of How Healthy People Think About Love.

The Prince throws a party to meet the girl of his dreams. Meeting someone at a party is a fine way to meet someone, but it is not a good way to decide you're in love with someone. Liking how someone dances means you are attracted to them, not in love with them. And no matter how wonderful the conversation may be while you're dancing together, it was just one night, and it is not long enough to know someone very well.

Then Cinderella lies to him about who she is, and runs away from him, so he won't find out that she's a poor stepsister who has to clean up for everyone else. Silly, silly Cinderella. Lying is bad. Lying to someone to make them fall in love with you is really bad - because then they are not in love with the real you anyway, and why would you want that?

Then, of course, the behavior of the stepmother and stepsisters is horrible: people should never be that mean to each other. Even if Cinderella was their maid, they should have treated her with respect and dignity. It is never okay to make fun of people and be rude like that. Ever.

However, there are some things to like in the story. Cinderella has loyal friends who help her with her chores, and they genuinely like each other (the mice and birds). And even though I don't approve of changing yourself by way of magic, at least the Fairy Godmother did not ask for anything in return (like her voice or a lifetime in slavery), and seemed to just genuinely want to help Cinderella get to the party. So Cinderella did a good job of letting her friends help her, and her friends did a great job of pitching in together to make an unpleasant task more fun.

The Cinderella story has been around for a long time, and there are versions of the story other than the Disney one. My two favorites are the movie "Ever After" and the Broadway musical "Into The Woods." They are both more grown-up and more thoughtful about what the relationship between Cinderella and the prince would really have been like. If you don't see them on your own, some day, you can bet that I'll get you to watch them with me. And then we'll have this conversation all over again.

Sleeping Beauty

Sleeping Beauty is a weird little story. Of course I don't like it that the princess is all helpless, and has to just wait for a prince to rescue her. Pooey on that idea. Girls are strong and powerful and don't need to be rescued, thank you very much! But then there are other "girls" in the movie who are fairies, who are really the ones doing all the work (the good fairies fight the bad fairy - even when the prince fights the bad fairy, he is using weapons that the good fairies give him). I do like it that when the prince meets Aurora in the woods, when he thinks she's a poor peasant, they really like each other.

Otherwise, it's just kind of a strange movie where the good fairies fight the bad fairies, and nobody tells Aurora what's really going on, which is all just a little bizarre. Plus, the bad fairy turns into this horrible dragon at the end and it's really scary. So I don't think I'll ever see that movie again.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

I love the dwarfs. They are great friends, and it's a wonderful relationship that they give her shelter and she helps them with their housework. Sure, I would like it better if one of the boys helped with the housework too, but it is still a good friendly relationship all around.

I don't really like it that the prince falls in love with her just because she's beautiful. I don't really like it that she just lies there in a glass box and waits to be rescued by a boy (after all, girls are strong and powerful too). And I don't like it at all that the Queen's biggest concern is who is prettiest - that is not a good thing to care about most in this world. How someone behaves is much more important than how they look.

But overall, it's a pretty good buddy film, and I would love to have the dwarfs as my friends.

Mulan


I love that Mulan wants to fight for her family's honor, even though that is normally considered to be the work of men. Good for Mulan. However, running away from home was not a good idea for her, either. But her little guardian ancestor spirit dragon was a great friend to have along the way, for sure. Having a friend who can make you laugh is a great treasure.

Stories in General

Here's the thing to remember about movies and TV shows and stories in general: what makes good drama is not the same as what makes a good life. In order for a story to be interesting, you have to be wondering, "what happens next?" That is called dramatic tension.

It is easy to have dramatic tension by having people fight, or run away from each other, or have secrets from each other that cause wacky misunderstandings, because those things make you wonder, "Will they get back together? Will she tell him the truth? Will she return home?" and therefore, they are dramatically interesting.

But in life, it is much better to have as little dramatic tension as possible. Don't ask other people to keep secrets for you (surprises are great, but not secrets), don't lie to make people like you, don't change yourself to make people like you, don't use evil magic or "magical" quick fixes to make people like you, don't run away from home, and don't think you can change someone else by loving them.

Imagine this story: Two people meet each other, are attracted to each other, get to know each other, treat each other well, have respectful disagreements which they settle honestly, commit to be together forever, and then live together forever, pretty happy most days. That is not a dramatic story. But it is a great life story. Don't forget: there is a difference.

Love,

Aunt Angie