to katie: about self-esteem and being special

When I was a kid, I got confused about "being special."

I got confused because I noticed that everybody was told they were special. There were songs on the radio saying "you are special." So every kid listening was being told they were special. And there were TV shows where people got tears in their eyes when they said, "Nobody ever told me I was special, so I never believed it, but now I do: I'm special!"

People told me I was special all the time. I was smart, like you are. I had a good singing voice like you do. I had a big heart like you do. I asked questions about the world and really listened to the answers like you do. And it seemed like every time I turned around, somebody was telling me I was special.

I thought that everybody got that message all the time, "You are special." Turns out, some people have bad parents and bad teachers who never say that. It's horrible to think about. I am glad you are not one of those people.

So anyway, here is how I got confused: if everybody is special, then it isn't special to be special. And if something is true for everyone, then it is normal. So if everyone is special, then being special is just normal. Right?

Wrong. Very very very wrong.

It was a smart thought for a kid to have, I will say that. It seems like good logical thinking. And actually, it is good logical thinking. But it is not complete, which is why it is wrong.

Let's see if we can figure out how everyone can be special without making everyone normal.

First of all, what does "special" mean? The dictionary has a few definitions, but these are the two that explain what I think "special" means:

1. distinguished or different from what is ordinary or usual

2. extraordinary; exceptional

And what does "normal" mean? Again, the dictionary has a few definition, but these are the ones that explain my understanding:

1. conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular

2. in Psychology: approximately average in any psychological trait, as intelligence, personality, or emotional adjustment

So here's the key to unlocking the confusion: everyone has some ways in which they are normal and some ways in which they are special. And everyone has a normal/special combination which is completely unique, and that is what makes everyone special.

And here's another key: nobody is better than anybody else, no matter how many ways they are special.

Oops. I did the wrap-up in the middle of the letter. What will I do at the end of the letter now? Well, we'll figure that out when we get to it.

The reason that people told me I was special when I was a kid was mostly because I was smart, like you are. I was at or near the top of all the standardized tests, like you are. And although many smart kids are very strong in only one or two subjects, I was good at pretty much all of them, like you are, which is very unusual. Our ability to learn things quickly in almost any subject is one of the ways that we are not normal - we do not have normal intelligence, we have especially high intelligence.

People are special in millions of ways. Sports come easily to some people, like Tiger Woods or Shawn Johnson. Interior designing comes naturally to some people, like Vern Yip or David Bromstead (or your mother - it's true). For some people it comes easily to them to dance, paint, write, plan, tell stories, solve problems, be a leader, make music, and on and on and on. For every thing you try to learn to do, somebody in the world loves to do that thing and it comes easily to them.

Most people are special in a few ways, not just one. One of the fun things about getting to know new people is to try to figure out what they especially love to do, what kinds of things come naturally to them, and how that might fit together into a very cool job. Someone who loves to swim and think about details maybe could put on scuba gear and inspect bridges underwater. Someone who loves to listen and watch people and write maybe could be a journalist (like maybe your sister).

So that's how everyone can be special, because everyone has at least one or two ways they are special, and many people have more than just two. And that is also how nobody can be completely normal, even people who have a lot of normal things about them.

Now here is where you may make a mistake, if you are not careful. You may start to think that just because you are special in a lot of ways, that it makes you better than anybody else. It really does not. Really not even a little.

People who are mostly normal can be really great people - kind and loving and generous and fun. In fact, I am glad to say, it happens a lot. And people who are very special in many ways can be really horrible people - mean and ungrateful and selfish and annoying. In fact, I am sad to say, that also happens a lot.

Time for one of Aunt Angie's Mottos again: It’s what you choose to do that makes you who you are.

The ways you were born special is where you start - those are your talents, the abilities you are born with. The special things your parents teach you, or your teachers teach you, or you learn on your own are the gifts you are given - those are your skills, the abilities you learn. But it is the choices you make about what you do with your talents and skills that decide what kind of a person you are.

You could be a musical genius, a sculpting genius, a math genius, and a writing genius, and still be a boring person to be around if you decide that you are the only person in the whole world with good ideas, or if you decide you are the only person in the whole world who makes good music or art. Then sure, you would be super-duper-extra special, but you would also be the total opposite of fun. Gross. If I could type a barf noise, I totally would. Here: <barf noise>. That's what kind of person you would be.

Ok, sorry, back to seriousness.

So yes, it's true that in some ways, you are special, and so is everyone else. It's also true that in many ways, you are normal, and so is everyone else. What makes people interesting is that nobody has the exact same blend of talents and skills, and nobody makes the exact same choices about how to use their talents and skills -- and that is what makes them really special.